Sex and Salt Lake City

Womanizer / Britney Spears

natalie and i love to gossip about the twilight movies.  it probably has to do with the fact that we were once able to speculate what would happen in the fourth book and now there is no more speculation for the fourth book to be had… or the fact that celebrity gossip completes us – but whatever.  all life and conversation must halt for new twilight movie gossip.

the other night natalie was watching a movie with her boyfriend, neal, when i had just finished reading about K Stewart and her love triangle with Cedward and Michael Anaramadingdong and needed to fill her in.  so i just walked into the living room and started yammering on about how i think that Michael is cuter and that K Stewart shouldn’t even think about leaving him for someone who has millions of dollars and can’t even get a decent hair cut.

Neal finally interjected and wanted to know who we were talking about.  When Natalie explained that it was the actors from the Twilight Series it suddenly hit me that I might not be exhibiting normal human behavior.  Who spends fifteen minutes discussing the love lives of people they don’t even know based on media gossip?

Me.  The loser without a life here.  And that is why hollywood gossip makes so much money.  i am so in the wrong career path.

Tribute / Tenacious D

I have a new co-worker, Talia, and she has moved here from Seattle… yeah i don’t know why either.  we were discussing a person that she had been trying to set up Primary Care for that was from Wyoming.  she kept telling me they were from (long pause) Wyoming.  i finally asked her what the deal with the big pause was.

Talia: Well the town is like a kuh.

Me: Cheyenne?

Talia: No.  Like kamar?

Me: Kamas?  No that’s in Utah.

Talia: See?  It is spelled K E M M E R E R.

Me: Oh, what?  Kehmmmmmmerererer

Talia: Yeah.

Me: If that were a town in Utah it would be pronounced Tooele (Two-well-uh).

Talia: What?

Me: Welcome to Utah.

Nothing Better / The Postal Service

I have a problem with flatulence… that is to say i fart.  a LOT.  i used to just burp quite a bit but that seems to have dissipated now that i rarely drink soda or beer and i learned how to eat at a normal speed.  see, i farted very much like a normal person up until i started monitoring my fiber intake as a means to lose weight.  and then for the love of God i learned that i got my mom’s crazy and my dad’s gastrointestinal tract.

i thought that getting aiden to come to terms with the fact that i was a burper was hard.  but then i was never embarrassed about my burping – quite the contrary – i was proud of my abilities.  but farting, i’ve always had a good amount of shame when it comes to farting.  at first i did everything from increasing the volume on the tv to quickly leaving the continent to avoid farting in front of aiden.

but then the sneakers started.  i’d be in the kitchen talking to aiden and i’d just fart without warning.  then i respond how i do when i’m embarrassed, i laugh, and that MAKES IT WORSE.  because that makes the little bit left that i’m trying to hold in come out in loud little spurts.  at that point i want to crawl in a hole and die because 1) he doesn’t think farting is funny and 2) HE NEVER FARTS.  i’m serious, he doesn’t burp, fart, or snore.  but he poops – everybody poops – so at least i know he is partially human.

so now i’m wondering if i need to get beano or if i need to have aiden’s head examined.

Nothing Better / The Postal Service

i’m hating my life right now.  i am fully aware that i have no right, no business to do so.  i have an amazing man in my life, i have a job, i have a roof over my head, i have great friends, and i’m not suffering from any of the terrifying diseases that grey’s anatomy makes me afraid i will one day have.  but i’m still hating my life right now, as ungrateful as that is.

the problem is i get myself stuck.  i don’t want to move forward on the same path and i don’t want to go back either.  and so i’m stuck in one spot, spinning, hoping that a glimmer of light will appear to direct me on the right path.  it is exhausting waiting for someone/something to come along and save you.  i know that my only option is to pick myself up and find a new way out – i’m just constantly afraid to actually do it.

True Love’s Kiss / Enchanted

i had a myspace page briefly when i was in college.  the problem with myspace is that there are two types of people on it: sickos and 16 year-olds.  and well sure, there are also those that get a myspace page because their friends want them to and don’t do much except sign in once in a blue moon – but whatever, they don’t matter just like their account.

the problem is that you don’t actually have to be 16 to act like you are 16.  the endless mirage of self photographs taken with a mirror so you can show a risque pic of yourself with a ridiculous pose in your undies or the shot from high above for the maximum cleavage reveal and blue steel lips got a little boring.  is this some strange right of passage?  posting slutty pictures of yourself for all the world to see?  i neither want to see those pictures nor do i want to post those types of pictures of myself, so i deleted my account.

what totally baffles me are people who post that kind of stuff online.  and even if i were the kind of person who liked to post these kinds of pictures of myself online it would constantly creep me out thinking about the pervs who were looking at it. ugh.  and worse, do these people work for a living?  do they not live in constant fear that their boss might stumble across their account?  i just don’t get it.  but maybe i’m getting too old for my own internet good.