Sex and Salt Lake City

I’m All Alone / Spamalot

when i was in high school (shutup kit) i used to have anxiety attacks.  i could work myself up into some pretty good ones, where i was crying, gasping for breath, and feeling as though my heart would explode.  and often they were over things like whether or not i would get to go to a certain party or not.  because my popularity would depend upon it.  and if i were no longer popular i wouldn’t be able to sit with my friends anymore.  and high school would be unbearable.  and since the hierarchy of high school pretty much maps out your plot in life, i may as well just die.

when i hit college and realized that high school wasn’t the end-all be-all i relaxed a little bit… perhaps too much.  halfway through college i was diagnosed with depression after i realized that not being able to sleep or get out of bed was not normal.  thinking about my death, sometimes planning it, was not normal.  and drinking myself into a stupor to get through the weekends meant that i had a problem.  what i didn’t care to admit at the time was that it had more to do with my breakup from Big than anything else.

ever since i felt i got my depression “under control” i sometimes slip into anxiety attacks.  i’m able to work a seemingly small situation into a big deal.  i usually have a minor “episode” on my own, but once in awhile aiden is around to witness it.  he tries to decompose the situation and reassure me that everything will be fine.  he is always right.

while in vegas, i had one such episode.  except that it wasn’t a normal “episode”.  it was a full on panic attack in the rental car driving down the strip in afternoon traffic.  i have no idea what actually brought it on but i know that i felt that the whole world was about to crumble on top of me and was trying to communicate this with aiden, without seeming as crazy as i felt.

aiden surprised me, as usual, with his kindness and understanding.  he took the situation so much better than i could have ever hoped and made me realize (for the thousandth time) why i love him so much.  he didn’t brush this aside and tell me i was being stupid.  he didn’t try to dismiss my fears.  he held my hand until i calmed down and didn’t allow me to be embarrassed or frustrated with myself.

sometimes i do have trouble sleeping because i can’t figure out exactly what it was that i did to have someone like him in my life.  and i realized that i have so many people in my life who have been there for me.  no matter how alone i make myself feel, there seems to be someone there ready to help me up when i fall.  i don’t know what i did to deserve all of you, but i’m grateful just the same.  thank you.