our goodbyes
May 14th, 2009 by charlotte
Your Eyes / Rent
when i was in high school (shut up Kit) my counselor asked me what i would do if i had a million dollars. i thought about it for a minute before telling her that i would buy a car for me and one for my sisters so that i wouldn’t have to share with them anymore. and then without pausing listed clothing items, shoes, jewelry, furniture and electronics that i would purchase. i knew that my counselor wanted me to search in my soul for what i would do if i didn’t have to work for money, but i handled the situation like i did with most things at the time: avoidance and sarcasm.
looking back on it i kind of wish i had spent more time trying to figure this out and less time trying to be snarky and flip. because when i daydream about having a million dollars i think of all the things i would purchase, and not what i would do once i had spent to my heart’s desire. and i know that this speaks something about my need for instant gratification and inability to plan for the after. whatever.
up until a few months ago, if you asked me what i would do if i won the lottery i would tell you that i would stay at my job. i love my job, i love being needed, i love being the go-to person to create documents at work, i love helping people. but recently things haven’t been so great. work politics really wear on me and it becomes harder each morning to drag myself out of bed just to go to work and pretend that everything is ok.
and so if you asked me right now what i would do if someone gave me a million dollars and told me to leave my job and do whatever i wanted to do with the rest of my life? a million things start flooding into my mind. the thought that i might actually go back to school (!) get my LCSW and become a counselor. or maybe i would work part time at a coffee shop and then spend my afternoons in a corner by the window writing. or maybe i would finally start auditioning for musicals.
it is such a strange feeling to finally have any answer to this question when most of my post-high school life has been spent answering “I don’t know.” while jumping from job to meaningless job just so that i could pay for things. and maybe i loved my job because i could do it every day and not because i really enjoyed it. maybe something good came from all of this bullshit after all.
that is worth more than any amount of money to me.