we’re rappers
May 28th, 2009 by charlotte
Hurt Feelings / Flight of the Conchords
i share a cubicle with a guy from a different department. his job coincides with a small portion of the work that i do, but that little piece of my job is the bulk of his job so he mostly sits around reading a book or chatting with me for the few minutes during the day that i’m not busy. he is a great cubicle mate because he knows when not to bug me and when i need some comic relief.
unfortunately he is on a two week vacation and for some reason his boss felt that it is essential that someone be sitting in his spot every day. and that replacement is the exact opposite of my usual cubicle mate. just so annoying that i would really rather sit next to someone scraping a chalkboard all day. seriously.
for starters, he is just back from his mission and i am pretty sure that this is the first time he has ever had a job. ever. so i’m pretty sure that he’s never worked near a female and it seems to freak him out a little. it also really seems to bug him that i’ve already graduated from college and so he is constantly trying to show off how much more he knows than me. today i was helping Alice with an equation to find the area of a circle (yes kids, math is used in the real world!) and I was telling Alice that we just needed the square root of 6.62 when he said, “You need the square root of pi?”
Me: ::blink blink:: No. I need the square root of 6.62.
Weirdo: Yeah, pi.
Me: Pi is 3.14.
Weirdo: Oh, yeah, I know that. I got confused because it was upside down. Pi has like 15 more numbers after .14
Me: Um, its decimal representation never ends or repeats. It has a lot more than 15 numbers.
Weirdo: Um, yeah but I used to know like up to 15 of them.
Me: Good for you.
and he takes lunch break VERY seriously. he always leaves at exactly 1130 and comes back at 1200. if he comes back early or leaves late he refuses to answer his phone during his “lunch break”. which… come on, he seriously does MAYBE one hour of actual work each day. he needs a lunch break from that?
also he can’t stand silence. it took me two days to get him to understand that i do quite a bit more than he does in a work day, which by the way, is his favorite conversation every day: “What is it that you do exactly?” and if he isn’t striking up a conversation with me he is filling the silence with noise.
which leads to his most annoying, and i’m pretty sure, weirdest thing ever; he speaks swahili. which in itself is cool, but if he isn’t talking at me, talking to me, or laughing out loud about something he just read online, he is CHANTING IN SWAHILI. not talking to himself in swahili, not singing in swahili, but CHANTING in swahili. WHICH IS FUCKING WEIRD.
i don’t know if any of you have ever heard swahili, but it involves clicking. CLICKING. it sounds like the fucktard is having a seizure. and it FREAKS ME OUT. who DOES THAT?
i want to call in sick but i am really bad at going through with the fake call. so i’ve decided that i need to come down with the swine flu. by the time i’m better my regular cubicle mate will be back. the only problem is that i’ve been having a little trouble coming down with something when every other illness that has passed through my workplace has found me. so i’m trying to come up with contingency plans that don’t involve killing him but so far i’m drawing blanks. any help here?