say goodbye
Jun 14th, 2009 by charlotte
Nothing Better / The Postal Service
I have a problem with flatulence… that is to say i fart. a LOT. i used to just burp quite a bit but that seems to have dissipated now that i rarely drink soda or beer and i learned how to eat at a normal speed. see, i farted very much like a normal person up until i started monitoring my fiber intake as a means to lose weight. and then for the love of God i learned that i got my mom’s crazy and my dad’s gastrointestinal tract.
i thought that getting aiden to come to terms with the fact that i was a burper was hard. but then i was never embarrassed about my burping – quite the contrary – i was proud of my abilities. but farting, i’ve always had a good amount of shame when it comes to farting. at first i did everything from increasing the volume on the tv to quickly leaving the continent to avoid farting in front of aiden.
but then the sneakers started. i’d be in the kitchen talking to aiden and i’d just fart without warning. then i respond how i do when i’m embarrassed, i laugh, and that MAKES IT WORSE. because that makes the little bit left that i’m trying to hold in come out in loud little spurts. at that point i want to crawl in a hole and die because 1) he doesn’t think farting is funny and 2) HE NEVER FARTS. i’m serious, he doesn’t burp, fart, or snore. but he poops – everybody poops – so at least i know he is partially human.
so now i’m wondering if i need to get beano or if i need to have aiden’s head examined.