don’t want to talk
Oct 26th, 2009 by charlotte
The Winner Takes It All / ABBA
I’ve lived that life before, the one where self confidence is in short supply; everything you are belongs to someone else. you can’t be pretty unless someone else thinks that you are. You can’t be skinny unless the perfect number in your head matches the one on the scale. and nothing matters unless he looks at you the right way, says the right thing, shares that special smile with you.
and as insignificant as you feel when you aren’t perfect, as contradictory as it may seem to the outsider; the whole world revolves around you. anyone who is upset is upset at you. the rain falls to spite you. the washing machine breaks and your whole world is ruined. your boss is out to get you. your friends are holding secret meetings behind your back. arguments are won by throwing tantrums because the most important thing is to be right rather than to communicate.
and despite that being the very definition of a drama queen you know, KNOW, that it is the whole world that is wrong. you are the martyr. no one understands you, not even your friends. no one is on your side. you are alone.
and it gets to the point that the people who are standing by your side cannot make you see reason anymore because you simply refuse to listen. and what good is talking when you can’t do that essential half of talking. and what good are apologies when you don’t mean them; you cannot be sorry if you continue to be a drama queen.
and maybe it is at that point that you must grow up or lose your friends. to stop believing that the world spins because you are on it. i can never apologize enough to the people who stood by me while i relived being a toddler. life is pain, for everyone. we all go through the pain of living every day, and to think that you are the only one is the worst kind of selfishness.
and despite the fact that i lived that life, that i did this to my dearest friends, i was still unable to find the words to say. i can only express my hope that one day this person will wake up, one day this person will find their way, one day this person will see. one day this person will stop hurting their friends by their behavior.
until then, I have “nothing” to say.