Castle on the Third Floor

You’re So Vain / Carly Simon

i know the definition of being a good friend.  caring, loyal, stands by someone in a time of need, tells you the truth, holds your hand, answers the phone at 2 a.m., doesn’t rat you out when you silently rip ass near a group of hot guys.  i’ve had good friends – i know they’ve taught me about being a good friend and i hope i at least exhibit some of those behaviors once in awhile.

and i get the whole being there for someone.  i’ve driven friends to the hospital, fed their cats while they were out of town, lent out my car, been DD, brought lunch/dinner/soup, stayed up late to talk, helped clean up messes i didn’t make, edited papers, helped people move, and probably a million other things.  and i know a lot of other people do just the same for their friends.

but when is being there for someone  become being an enabler?  in high school my best friend was really bad at relationships.  she was always hooking up with guys who were otherwise involved and i was always covering for her.  we were friends for 6 years and when she got involved with a married man the second time i just couldn’t do it anymore.  i couldn’t hold her while she cried about how he was never going to leave her.  i couldn’t drive her past his house to see if his wife’s car was in the driveway.  i couldn’t watch her destroy her life again.  and so i had to walk away.

it is hard choosing not to be friends with someone.  i would read about our favorite actress and want to call her, or see a Carl’s Jr and want to eat there with her, or want to buy jeans but didn’t have her to help me decide which ones made my butt look the best, or have a fight with my mom and need to vent.  but for all the reasons she was a good friend there were a million reasons why my relationship with her made her think that it was OK to continue doing what she was doing and never learn a damn thing.  without her co-pilot maybe she would finally find the right path, maybe not.  but the one thing that was for sure was that i couldn’t watch the same episode every single day for the rest of my life.

the hardest part about the decision not to be party to a destructive person’s mess is that you end up as the bad guy.  you left your friend in their time of need – looking over the fact that they continuously are in a time of need.  these type of people create their own drama and if you can’t play the part of the supportive friend then you must be a bad person.  and that right there is the bullshit, you have added one more woe to their long list of horrible things that have happened in their life always caused by someone or something outside of their control.  you bastard.

but for me, each friendship, no matter how it ended, has had some part in who i am today.  and i can’t say that i haven’t thought about my friend from high school several times over the past few months while planning my wedding because it reminds me of her constant chatter about her imaginary future wedding.  and now that i’m getting married i can’t help but wonder whatever happened to her, where she is now, and if her boyfriend did ever leave his wife for her… or if she finally found herself a man who wasn’t taken.

i hope things worked out for her.  i really do.